If you are a smoker please take the time and read my story:

At a very young age I would sneak cigarettes from my parents pack and go hide and smoke them.  I didn’t inhale until several years later.  The first time I did inhale I felt a little dizzy but that feeling passed quickly.  I even bragged to my friends about it.  That day has haunted me every day since.  As I continued to smoke the only thing I thought would happen is that it would stunt my growth.  I don’t know if that is true but I did grow to be five foot eight.

As the years went by I smoked more and more and worked my way up to about a pack a day by the time I was twelve years old.  As I said earlier, I started at a very young age.  Both of my parents smoked and unless because of their smoking they didn’t smell it on me or they figured I was already hooked.

School became a problem for me because I couldn’t smoke and the cravings would take all of my concentration away from schoolwork.  I began to hate school.  I smoked in the boy's room and got caught more than once.  Walking past the teacher’s lounge made things worse because they smoked in there and I was dying to smoke a cigarette.  I stayed in school until my junior year and quit because my grades were so bad I would have had to repeat that year.  I did however obtain my GED that summer which actually graduated me on time since I repeated the seventh grade prior.

Basically my whole youth was spent, among other things, looking for that next cigarette.

I eventually became an over the road truck driver and spent many long hours behind the wheel and chain smoking.  I managed to get up to three packs a day.  I kept telling myself I should really quit but for every reason I had to quit I had another reason not to.  I quit driving for awhile and took a job as a mechanic for Zayre’s I Jacksonville, Florida.  Nothing changed, I still kept smoking.  I really did enjoy smoking even though they were getting more and more expensive all the time.  I really didn’t know just how expensive they would really be.  My wife and I moved to Pennsylvania and I went back on the road for another year or so and still smoked and got up to four packs a day.  This time I blamed it on my nerves and the company I drove for because they knew I had ice and snow experience and so they kept me running in the northern states all winter.

I decided to relocate back to Florida. This time I took a job as a correctional officer at Florida State Prison.  I certainly had a nervous problem there but I actually was able to stop smoking.  Not until I transferred to Sumter Correctional did I manage to quit.  Not off tobacco because now I satisfied my craving for nicotine by chewing tobacco.  That lasted about three months.  There was tension building and a riot was pending.  We were working eighteen hour shifts and one night I ran out of chew so I bummed a smoke from another guard.  That was stupid but it did help calm me.

The next time I tried to quit was after I moved to Tennessee.  I was back driving again and tried using the patch.  I managed to quit completely for about six months.  Some troubles at home were my excuse to start smoking again.  I would like to interject a little information here.  I have three children, all grown now.  Their mother, my wife, decided to walk out of our lives.  I tried to find a new mother for the kids.  Unlike many single female parents and get hundreds of dollars in child support, I got some but not near enough.  Well under $200 a month and no attempt by their mother to contact them.  I remarried and each time there were problems.  I had to go back on the road because of the money.  I started smoking again. 

I began getting short of breath after minimal exertion.  I couldn’t walk very far without stopping to catch my breath.  A short walk from the tractor to the back of the trailer to open the doors would take my breath.  My ankles would swell and I was retaining water.  I decided I had better get to the doctor’s office for a checkup.  It turned out that I was diagnosed with COPD emphysema and well as pulmonary edemas.  I was put in the hospital and was placed on blood thinners to dissolve the blood clots.  That worked but I still had emphysema. 

That was back in 1994.  I returned to my four packs a day habit until April 2005.  I quit cold turkey because I met a wonder full lady and fell in love with her.  I was told by my pulmonologist that if I didn’t quit I would be dead in five years.  I haven’t touched a cigarette since and I never will again.  I will just add this to the story, because of the shortness of breath I got to where I would not get out of the truck to even go into a truck stop to eat.  I prepared food on the truck.  Because of my lack of exercise I gained weight.  I went from my normal 145 to 250 and developed diabetes.  So I have this dilemma,  I can’t exercise because of my lungs and I can’t be placed on the transplant list until I lose 50 pounds.

What I’m trying to say is this.  If you smoke cigarettes I must plead with you to stop now before it is too late.  I am on oxygen 24/7.  My kids live in Tennessee and I miss them very much but it is difficult for me to travel and they have their jobs and can’t come here as much as I would like.

Tipping

Many patrons remember to tip wait staff and bartenders but are unaware of why you would tip your KJ (Karaoke Jock or Host)

Your KJ is being paid just like everyone else in the bar (actually your KJ is probably making less money per night than your bartender or server is) but you should tip him or her if they go out of their way to do things that make your evening fun or more convenient.

Even if he or she doesn't have a tip jar visible you should tip him or her at the end of the night for the following reasons.

1. Asking the KJ to sing without filling out a song slip. You may not think this is an inconvenience but it probably is, this is something you should always tip for.

2. Changing your song at the last minute.

3. Having the KJ restart a song for you, especially if you ask more than once on the same song.

4. The KJ purchases new songs that you want to sing. Most quality brand Karaoke CD cost $20-30 dollars apiece. Your one song request probably cost the karaoke company $20.

5. Acknowledging your birthday, especially if he stops the show and has the bar sing Happy Birthday to you or someone in your group.

6. When you know you have had too much to drink and he or she has put up with allot from you. KJ's forgive good tippers of just about anything.

7. If you arrive later in the evening and the KJ slides you right into the rotation without making you wait until the end of the rotation.

8. If the KJ moves you up so you can leave, this is commonplace with some karaoke companies. Most KJ's will not do this as it causes resentment among the patrons who are staying and have been waiting, but if he will, you should tip him or her for this. By the way WE NEVER TAKE TIPS TO MOVE ANYONE UP, SO DON'T EVEN ASK.

9. If the KJ helps you out when you are in trouble singing a song.

10. If you ask the KJ to sing a duet with you.

11. If the KJ lets you sing the last song of the night.

12. If you are having a private party, and your guests have all had a great time you should definitely tip your KJ.

13. If this is in a bar and your group has had a great time this warrants tipping also.

14. If the karaoke show ends before the bar closes, and you and your group want to keep singing, you should never expect your KJ to work for free. Just like you don't work for free, right? Always make sure the bar and the KJ are up for this before taking up a collection.

15. Probably the most important reason to tip your KJ is that he or she will always go out of the way to keep you and your group happy.

You Might Be A Karaoke Junkie If...

1. You've ever burned up a car to get to karaoke.

2. You're broke all the time.

3. You clap when a song finishes on the radio.

4. You ever wake up from a sound sleep clapping.

5. Strangers walk up to you in Wal-Mart and compliment you on your singing.

6. People you don't know ask, "Aren't you the karaoke dude?"

7. You get raving mad when you are accidentally skipped in the rotation.

8. Songs on the radio don't sound right because Ernest or Roger aren't singing them.

9. You hear a song on the radio and think, that's number7-12.

10. You don't wear "the hat" and nobody knows you.

11. Somebody says, "why don't we leave early?" and the whole crowd gasps (and early is 12:30 pm).

12. You refer to "my list" ten months after you've sold out.

13. You find yourself engrossed in the philosophical ramifications of "AMERICAN PIE".

14. You go to a concert and wonder when they're gonna call you up to sing.

15. You go to a concert and all the time you're thinking "I could do that"

16. You write lists like this on the back of karaoke slips.

17. Last call comes and you say "But I'm not through singing yet!"

18. You've ever been taken home passed out in the back of a 69 Cadillac hearse.

19. You've ever ripped the door off a bar.

20. You have laryngitis and you still try to sing.

21. Blue drinks turn you into the INCREDIBLE HULK.

22. You know you've got to get up at 6:30 am and you still close the bar down.

23. There's 12 inches of snow on the ground and ice on the roads and where are you? THE KARAOKE BAR!

24. You think "life without the role" are really the words.

25. Someone asks you if you have a slip, and they're not talking about underwear!

26. Someone is writing "WHAT IF" lists during karaoke.

27. You remember the number of over two songs by memory.

28. You know everybody's first name-and you don't know what the hell their last names are.

29. You know the location of every motel within five miles of the bar.

30. You don't remember the names of any waitresses before Sharon Peters.

31. You know the location of every karaoke bar within 50 miles of your house.

32. When you're not at the karaoke bar by 10: 30 people call your house to find out what's wrong.

33. You would never consider dating someone with a bad voice.

34. Anything brighter than neon lights hurts your eyes.

35. Someone suggests going dancing instead and you're appalled.

36. Your stock reply is "you mean there's a bowling alley here."

37. That commercial on TV that makes fun of karaoke really pisses you off.

38. You see karaoke on TV and you think "That's not the way it's done!"

39. You actually know that karaoke means "empty orchestra."

40. It feels weird to go to a new karaoke bar and not sit at the "regulars" table.

41. You get pissed when someone else is sitting in your place.

42. You throw up on somebody's car---and they understand.

43. You get pissed when someone sings "your song".

44. The songs, "LOVE SHACK", "FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES", and "AMERICAN PIE" really annoy you (unless of course YOU want to sing them).

45. Someone refers to "the longest song in the book" and you know what they're talking about.

46. The word "rotation" no longer conjures up thoughts of tires or sex.

47. You've ever browsed the "net" under the heading "KARAOKE".

48. You've ever called a wrecker to take you and your car to KARAOKE(hey it was contest night O. K.!)

49. You think it's a compliment when someone dedicates "THE BITCH IS BACK" to you.

50. A new person who sings well is automatically your friend.

51. Your new best friend is somebody who does the same type songs as you.

52. You can't name five presidents,---BUT you know all the members of KISS and the EAGLES.

53. The whole bar yells "OH SHIT" when you're called to sing.

54. You know the entire intro to "BABY'S GOT BACK".

55. You start believing your middle name is "lucy" or "louise".

56. You hear "what's this fat f---er going to sing?" And you're determined to sing them under the table.

57. Anyone has ever suggested therapy.

58. You've picked karaoke songs to be sung at your funeral (wife says this ain' t happening)--------BITCH.

59. You wonder what ever happened to what's-his-name, you know he sang _____?

60. You've ever received an emergency call at the bar.

61. You think you sound better than the original.

62. You can still sit still after listening to "LOVE SHACK" 5,000 times.

63. Someone throws up because you sang too much ELTON JOHN.

64. You think you can never sing too much ELTON JOHN.

65. Someone suggests an after party and you ask "do you have a karaoke machine?"

66. You can't remember the words to a song you've heard all your life without "the screen".

67. You and three other people have sung "FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES" after the karaoke has closed down.

68. The first thing you think when you hear a new song
on the radio is "when is this coming out on karaoke?"

69. You call the karaoke store and hound them about a disk.

70. You buy a karaoke disk for one song---burning 14 other songs.

71. You try to learn 14 songs you don't really lik.e

72. You consider beer a lubricant for your vocal chords.

73. It takes you 15 minutes to hug everybody goodbye.

74. Your best friend has to hold you up to sing your last song, and you never miss a note (hey it was TWIST OFF night O. K.!)

75. You can't sing until you're nice and toasty.

76. The high point of your week is when the bar gets a new disk.

77. You cant stand up or walk but you never miss a note.

78. You feel cheated if they don't get karaoke started at 9:00 sharp "bar time".

79. The term kamikaze has nothing to do with japan or planes.

80. Your house guests get to your house 1-1/2 hours before you do.

81. You're a woman but you're still willing to sing the guys part.

82. You're a guy but your still willing to sing Barbara's part in "NO MORE TEARS"

Credit
http://www.aesound.com/gen2/comedy/junkie.shtml

Humorous Karaoke Word Play