So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"

"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"

"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.

The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"

"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.

"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"

With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.

"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"

"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."

The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed.
Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing.  Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"

"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

One day, three friends went to this "Gentlemen's Club." One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.
Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute... then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

Bar Sports

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. 

Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.

Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.

About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"

The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."

"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."

The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."

The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"

"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here."

The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner.

"Now, can I have my drink." says the dog.

The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards."

"Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.

Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog.

As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.
The owner shouts, "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"

The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."

One night a man was drinking in a bar and he had to go to the bathroom.
While he was going, he noticed that there were three black men next to him at the urinals. He happened to look down and was shocked to see that one of the men had a white penis. He quickly finished and went back to the bar.
He told the bartender that he had just seen the strangest thing when he was in the bathroom. The bartender asked him what he saw.
"Well, while I was taking a leak, I looked over and next to me were three black guys and one of them had a white dick!" he said.
"Oh, those weren't black men," the bartender said, "they are all coal miners and apparently one of them went home for lunch."

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have.", said the man.

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man drunkenly replies, "I have a dollar."

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